What is this "Faith" everyone is talking about?

I have a hard time with religious words. Faith is one of them. If I have "faith" the sun will come up doesn't that mean I "believe" the sun will come up? So when I am told, and I tell others, and the Bible instructs me to "have faith"... I immediately fall into the pit of doubt. Why? Because that word, "Faith", seems to tell me I don't have any or I wouldn't be instructed to have it or use it. So, when I run across a word, like "Faith" in the Word, which I accept as infallible and from God's very mouth... I change it to a word that I can grasp. "Believe." "Accept." "Ask for." These are the TRUE terms I am thinking as I'm reading, they may as well be the words I say when I'm discussing God's Word with Him. So, when God's Word says, "Oh you of little faith!" I now say, "Oh me of little belief!" and I immediately know what God is saying to me.

That brings me to the first night, in my walk, or path, with my heavenly Father. I never really prayed before, I mean other than the "Bless me, forgive me, heal the sick, keep my kids safe..." blah blah blah is what I think God heard. I never listened to sermons before, really listened with understanding or opening myself up to God's message...There was no connection for me, no "faith point"... see, there's another religious term... until I became prostrate. On my face. Weeping and Gnashing of teeth. Seriously begging to die. Pain unlike anything I had ever experienced and could only imagine until I began to live through it. Emotional pain. Torment. I have no other way to describe it. I found out I was lost...

Four years ago this month, my world came crashing down around me. I had lived a life of deceit, of judgment, of disobedience, of falsehood. And God had had enough of me in that place--because it caught up with me in a BIG way! You know that term, "what goes around, comes around"? Well, it all came around and I deserved it, it was payback time! I didn't see it then... I see myself very clearly now. The blinders were removed and I was left in a cold, dark, empty, fearful pit that I like to call... THE AWAKENING! In one swift move, God taught me all I needed to know about lying, hiding, deceitfulness, and being untrustworthy. He allowed me to reap the rewards of the junk I'd been dishing out for a long time. And reap them... I did.

So, back to "Faith". When I hit my face, and I really, literally HIT MY FACE, on the floor, I cried out to the only source I could think of who could take this horrendous pain away. And He stood by me, holding me, rocking me in my agony, until I could take a hiccuping breath and listen a little bit. He reminded me that He loved me by sending me verses I had read in the Bible, but couldn't remember. "Jesus Loves Me" kept rolling through my mind. I cried out to a God I sort of knew about, had pretended to talk with and even TAUGHT A CLASS OF 8TH GRADERS ABOUT... YES... I got up in front of a room of kids, about 30 each week, and talked about someone I knew VERY LITTLE about! I didn't have a relationship with Him! It was fake, phony, recited from a book... I am very ashamed of that now. Then, I didn't know... that I didn't really, I mean REALLY, know! I thought, "Well, everyone must feel the same distance I do. I'm no worse than anyone else." I found out about individuality that night, on my face.

So, when God said, "Kim... why are you crying out to me" (I didn't hear this, it was just a question deep in my soul.) I could only answer that I was crying out to Him because I thought that's what I was supposed to do in my pain and fear. He answered, "Of course you are, but why? What is it you think is going to be accomplished by crying out to me?" I answered, "I have no idea." And then I laid there. Thinking. I am alone. I have no idea what God can do for me, if He will do anything for me and how I can tap into that resource. Yeah, I thought of Him that way... a resource to "tap" into. That's where we started. He made me look at what I "BELIEVED". Or, He showed me, in Andy Stanley's terms, that I was a "little faither".

So... what is this "Faith" or "Belief" everyone is talking about? Where do I find it? How do I get it? Is it a Spiritual Gift? Is it a choice? Is it something you have to work for?

Faith= Belief. Belief causes Faith. The two go together, one cannot exist without the other. You can't make yourself have Faith. You have to get to know the Source, before you can believe. You have to see the sun rise morning after morning before you can honestly say, "I have faith, I believe, the sun will rise again tomorrow." God called me to Believe Him, so I could have Faith in Him. I just didn't know, that night, on that floor, with my eyes swollen shut and all ability to move myself gone, that He would drag me, sometimes kicking and screaming, down a path that would lead me to Belief.

Thank You, God. For letting me fall, so I could fall again--this time in love with You. I am grateful for the pain because I now know, REALLY, know... that I know.

Love,

Kim